The six things he's hoping you'll do the first time you have sex

Another week and another study (this one about sliders Vs deciders) about how likely we are NOT to survive the distance with our current partners.

Which is utterly depressing in a glass-half-empty way.

Look at it with glass-half-full eyes, however, and it also means you get the chance to go through that delicious falling in love stage again…and have first time sex.

What's changed from the last time you were single?

For those who are embarking on a sexy, new relationship and eager to make a good first impression, here's what men tell me your new lover's hoping for.

He wants you to…

• Give great oral sex: it's not only one of his favourite things, it shows you're as interested in giving as you are receiving pleasure

• Be active: I'm not suggesting you bounce around the bed like a four-year-old who's just consumed their body weight in sweets, but please don't leave it up to him to make all the moves.

• Not stress about your body: Hiding under the covers, insisting the lights are turned out - you know the drill. Even if your thighs do look like orange peel (and do they really?) you're having sex with the man! Unless it's a one-night-stand, at some point he's going to have to see you naked. Get it over and done with: let him see everything first time around and you'll both feel better.

• Not stress about his performance: First time sex can be intense and erotic but it's also highly charged with expectations. Both of you are nervous and eager for it to go well but a female's nerves are more easily hidden. (Seriously, who'd want a penis when it's such an obvious barometer of anxiety?) 

Two things are on the cards if he's nervous of performing: a lack of erection or premature ejaculation. How you react to either predicts how good sex will be for the two of you in the future.

Treat it light-heartedly, don't make a big deal and let him know it's normal and you understand, and you're set for open, honest, communicative sex. Over-react, take it personally or make him feel bad about it and he'll be even more apprehensive next time around with disastrous results.

• Let him know you're enjoying it: Listen, he's watched the odd episode of SATC and (if you're really lucky) Girls and maybe even picked up the odd sex book or two. He knows women fake it and it's not that easy to get everything right.

Don't patronise him by pretending you like everything he does (unless of course you do!) but do let him know when he's doing something particularly well. A moan or 'ummmm' will do.

• Save the post-sex emotional fallout for your friends: If he really doesn't want to know you now he's had his wicked way, you trying to find out if you're an item will be even more humiliating. If he really likes you, he (or you) will be in contact within a day or so to organise your next date.

- www.traceycox.com

Why talking about yourself with friends can be as pleasurable as SEX

According to recent figures people spend up to 40 per cent of their time talking about themselves.

Researchers from Harvard University Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience Lab wanted to find out why people like the sound of their own voice so much and if it was linked to the parts of their brain associated with pleasure and reward. 

After conducting tests using brain scanning technology they found that when people talk about themselves it triggers the same chemical reaction they experience during sex and this motivates them to share personal information more regularly.

The researchers used functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) to carry out the tests.

This imaging tool can identify changes in the level of blood flow to certain parts of the brain when presented with certain stimuli. 

During the fMRI experiment, researchers asked 195 people to talk about themselves, including their own opinions and personality traits.

They were then asked to discuss opinions and traits of other people they knew. 

The researchers measured the blood flow levels in the participant's brains during both discussions and used them to directly compare differences in neural activity between the two. 

When participants talked about themselves, the researchers discovered an increase in activity to the medial prefrontal cortex (MPFC), generally linked with self-related thought. 

And for the first time they noticed a change in activity in the nucleus accumbens (NAcc) and the ventral tegmental area (VTA). 

Both parts of these brain are linked with releasing dopamine.

WHAT IS DOPAMINE?

Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that helps control the brain's reward and pleasure sections. 

It is released when the brain is subjected by certain stimuli, such as during sex, when taking drugs, eating chocolate and more. 

Dopamine also helps control emotional responses to situations. 

It helps us to see the rewards of certain behaviours but also motivates us to seek out these rewards.

Dopamine deficiency results in Parkinson's Disease, and people with low dopamine activity may be more prone to addiction. 

The presence of a certain kind of dopamine is also associated with sensation seeking.

  

Sensation seeking is a personality trait in people who seek out risky activities.

10 Tips for Great Sex in Your 40s, 50s and Beyond

There's an old saying that sex is one of three topics of conversation that shouldn't be brought up at the dinner table (the other two being politics and religion). And that's the fun thing about having a website: it's not the dinner table!So let's talk sex -- especially great sex for those in their 40s, 50s and beyond. You don't think that's possible? Think again."There is no such thing as a sexpiration date," says Laura Berman, relationship therapist, sex educator, and host of In the Bedroom with Dr. Laura Berman on the Oprah Winfrey Network.

Here are some tips;

1)Kegel exercises (with or without devices) keep your pelvic floor strong and they can also help to prevent bladder control issues. Best of all, regular Kegels can help you to enjoy longer, stronger orgasms. They are especially important for moms or for anyone who wants to strengthen her pelvic floor and transverse abdominals.

2) Sex aids can be a fun and erotic addition to the bedroom, and as we get older they can also play an important role in improving our sexual response and sexual pleasure. Try using warming lubrication or a clitoral stimulator to help speed up your sexual response and make sex more comfortable and exciting

3) It’s hard to feel sexy and in the mood if you are exhausted and cranky at the end of the day. Make sure you include some "me" time and relaxation in your daily life. Do so by trimming unnecessary errands from your to-do list, whether it’s opting for store-bought cookies over homemade cookies for the school bake sale, or cutting back on some on the kids’ numerous after-school activities.

4) If you are struggling with sexual issues such as low libido or decreased sexual enjoyment, your medications might be at fault. Common medications such as birth control pills and antihistamines can do a number on your sex drive, so be sure and talk to your doctor about any medications you are on and any sexual side effects you might be having.

5) As we get older, it becomes harder and harder for us to shed pounds and maintain a healthy weight. The best way to stay healthy and stave off unnecessary weight is to commit to an exercise program you enjoy. Exercise 4-5 times a week and opt for walking or taking the stairs whenever possible

6) Family vacations can be fun and memorable, but for moms they often entail plenty of stress. From long car trips to cranky kids to packing everything from sunscreen to batteries, family trips can be a killer for a mom’s mood, energy, and libido. That’s why couples-only vacations (in which just you and your partner get away together) are so important. Even if it’s just a weekend stay-cation, alone time is so crucial for your sex life and your relationship.

7) Perimenopause (the stage before menopause) can begin as early as age 35 years old. If you are concerned about your hormone levels, have a hormone panel performed by your doctor, including for testosterone (which plays a key role in libido.)

8) If you are in 40s or above, chances are that you might fall into the “sandwich generation,” meaning that you are caring for your own children as well as your aging parents or relatives. If this sounds familiar, make sure that you don’t suffer from caretaker burnout. There is nothing wrong with asking for help, and you can’t help anyone if you are tired and exhausted. Practice good self-care and consider your own needs.

9) Now is not the time to skimp on visiting your doctor and getting your yearly exams such as mammograms and pap smears. You can also talk to your doctor about any sexual side effects you might be experiencing. Don’t be embarrassed! Your sexual health plays a big part in your physical health, and she can help you with any concerns you might have.

10)
Sometimes women want more romance or spontaneity in the bedroom, but they don’t take steps to make it happen. Instead, they sit back and wait for their partner to make the first move. Big mistake! It’s your relationship and your sex life, and there’s nothing wrong with being proactive and empowered. Ask yourself, “What’s one thing I can do today to make my partner feel loved and desired?” The more you channel that energy outward to your partner, the more you will get it back in return.

Could you tell if your man faked an orgasm?

Is he or isn't he? If he's tired, had a few too many, worried about work or just not interested in sex right now, it seems the least stressful way to explain a lost erection is to fake the conclusion women expect

Could you tell if your man faked it? Most women would answer “Of course!” but turns out a third of us are wrong.

In Why Men Fake It: The Totally Unexpected Truth, Dr Abraham Morgentaler spent 25 years researching the male orgasm. His conclusion? Not only do a third of men fake it, the over-riding reason they do is the same reason women fake orgasm: to spare our feelings.

Men say women take it very personally when a man doesn’t orgasm, much more than he does if we don’t.

Because we think men’s orgasms are automatic and inevitable, he’s supposed to have one every single time or something’s really wrong. We’re not attractive enough, didn’t turn him on enough, he’s in love with the new girl in his office….

Hence why, in our super-stressed, super-paced world, both women and men resort to play-acting.

We’re not only too tired to have orgasms. Who’s got the energy to go through the hassle of explaining why we didn’t?

If he’s tired, had a few too many, worried about work or just not interested in sex right now, it seems the least stressful way to explain a lost erection is to fake the conclusion women expect.

A quickened pace, a few moans, dramatic thrusts and a hasty retreat and most women, apparently, are none the wiser.

How does he explain the lack of ‘evidence’?

Well, to be honest, most women don’t notice the absence of more fluid.

Isn't it time we all stopped having such unreal expectations on ourselves and our partners and accepted neither of us are sexual robots? asks Oladele

If he’s using a condom, it’s even easier: all he needs to do is dispose of it quickly and how were you to know there was no fluid pooled inside?

Ejaculate isn’t a true indication that he’s orgasmed anyway. Orgasm and ejaculation are two separate processes and one can occur without the other.

In other words, he can ejaculate without having an orgasm or orgasm without ejaculating (though it takes a great deal of control and practice to achieve).

Most couples make love last thing at night and conk out immediately the sex is over. 

How many of us are on the alert at 11pm after a hard day?

Two thirds of the men Dr Morgentaler studied said they got away with faking it.

The real shame here is that either sex feels the need to.

Faking orgasm isn’t necessary if admitting to not having one isn’t a problem.

Isn’t it time we all stopped having such unreal expectations on ourselves and our partners and accepted neither of us are sexual robots?

Listening to music is as good as sex!?

Listening to new music can boost the brain and give it a chemical 'reward' similar to sex, researchers have found.

Using MRI scans, Canadian scientists found that areas in the reward centre of the brain - the same part activated when we have sex or eat our favourite foods - became active when people heard a song for the first time.

The more the listener enjoyed what they were hearing, the stronger the connections were.

Using MRI scans, Canadian scientists found that areas in the reward centre of the brain became active when people heard a song for the first time

Safer sex and its intricacies Part 1

Sex is never an obligation – each partner has the right to say no. If a partner asks you to stop, you must respect this.

Many young people know that if they are considering having sex, it’s really important to make sure it is safer sex. It isn’t always easy, and it can be embarrassing, but talking about safer sex is a sign of respect.

What is safer sex?
Safer sex means sexual contact that does not involve any blood, semen or vaginal fluids being passed between partners.

We say safer sex rather than safe sex because sex can’t be guaranteed 100% safe. The best way to have safe sex is to be in a relationship where neither of you has sex outside that relationship and where you are both free of any sexually transmitted infections (STIs), and you use contraception if you do not want to become pregnant. Some people say the only form of safe sex is to abstain totally (not have sex at all) but most people would see this as being unrealistic.

Even when using condoms for protection, some STIs such as genital warts and genital herpes can be passed on because the condom does not always cover the affected area.

Being ready for sex
Young people can feel a lot of pressure to have sex. Friends may tell you they’re all doing it (sometimes even if they’re not). You see it on the TV and in the movies.

You might also feel pressured by a particular person. Or you might feel that it’s expected of you from a girlfriend or boyfriend.

Practising safer sex means looking after yourself emotionally. This means that you choose when to have sex and when not to, who with and how you have sex.

Some Safer sex activities

Massage, hugging, touching, masturbation,Social kissing (kissing with closed mouth),Rubbing against each other, Fantasy (just thinking about sex), Kissing the body (clean skin, not sexual areas or open sores),Saying no to anything you don’t feel comfortable about.

It is often assumed that these kinds of activities are only a lead-up to sexual intercourse. Many people find that these safer forms of sexual activity are more than enough to express their emotions and their love for each other.

Some probably safer sexual activities (there is not likely to be an exchange of body fluids)

French kissing (open mouth, as long as there are no sores and as long as the kiss isn’t so hard it draws blood) and use of a condom.

Some definitely not safe sexual activities:

Anything that allows blood contact, Sex without a condom (unless you are in a relationship where you can be sure that your partner does not have an STI, and you are using some  form of contraception if you do not want to become pregnant), Using condoms that have been used before, or continuing to use one after it has broken.

Getting body fluids, eg. semen, menstrual blood or urine, inside the body of the other person, eg. vagina, anus or on open cuts.

Culled from Ynaija